


and the blush in your cheeks says that you bleed like me

by imposterhuman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Bucky Barnes is a little shit, Established Relationship, Exasperated Tony Stark, Fluff and Crack, Human Bucky Barnes, M/M, Slice of Life, Vampire Tony Stark, im going to be honest i went a little off the rails, not much plot but its cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25907335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: Having fangs made everything more inconvenient, Tony decided, up to and including eating tacos. For one, it was just plain messier to try to take bites with two longer canines breaking the shell before it was all the way in his mouth. For another--“Jesus fuck,” he hissed in pain, having bit into his lip again. “This is why we eat people. It’s so much easier. No chewing necessary.”Across the table from him, Bucky chuckled, biting into his own taco with ease. Tony hated him a little bit for it. “Oh, can the big, bad vampire not eat a taco?”“The big, bad vampire is going to rip your throat out."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 246





	and the blush in your cheeks says that you bleed like me

**Author's Note:**

> for au-gust day 14: vampire au
> 
> i realized that i've only written angsty vampire aus, so now have this piece of crack where i bring in an actual argument i had with a friend about whether or not vampires have blood 
> 
> enjoy!!

Having fangs made everything more inconvenient, Tony decided, up to and including eating tacos. For one, it was just plain messier to try to take bites with two longer canines breaking the shell before it was all the way in his mouth. For another--

“Jesus fuck,” he hissed in pain, having bit into his lip  _ again _ . “This is why we eat people. It’s so much easier. No chewing necessary.”

Across the table from him, Bucky chuckled, biting into his own taco with ease. Tony hated him a little bit for it. “Oh, can the big, bad vampire not eat a taco?”

“The big, bad vampire is going to rip your throat out,” Tony muttered, setting down the mangled remains of his taco. The effort of eating it wasn’t worth it, especially when he didn’t actually get any nutrients from it. He wasn’t even sure why he’d gotten it in the first place, except that Bucky had raved about the taste and was very convincing when he wanted to be. 

“Of everything we’ve been through, a taco is your breaking point?” Bucky raised a skeptical eyebrow. “If you were going to rip my throat out, it would’ve been for using all your expensive shampoo or breaking that old vase.”

“Wait, you were the one who broke my ancient Etruscan water jug?” Tony practically screeched. “You told me Clint did that!  _ And  _ you used my shampoo? This is betrayal of the highest order! I’m breaking up with you right this minute! Consider yourself broken up with!”

Bucky grinned, unrepentant. “If you’re breaking up with me, can I have the rest of your taco? You know, as consolation?”

“Just for that, I’m going to shove this entire thing in my mouth, fangs be damned,” Tony huffed, glaring at his boyfriend. Bucky wasn’t scared of him and his vampiric nature one bit, which was of course wonderful, but at times like this, it had its downsides. Bucky still had an innocent grin on his face, despite Tony baring his fangs and letting his eyes flash blood red.

“That’s what she said,” Bucky joked under his breath, knowing full well that Tony had batlike hearing. 

Tony put his head in his hands. How he, a millennia-old vampire who’d been around for the rise and fall of countless empires, had fallen in love with an absolute child, he had no idea. Bucky was about as human as it got these days, which meant he had a couple of enhancements-- strength and healing, from a smidgen of werewolf blood a few generations back-- but not enough to classify him as anything other than normal. Not like Tony, who was a vampire through and through.

“I hate you,” Tony scowled playfully and took a bite of his food. “Fucking  _ hell _ !” 

“Did you bite yourself again?” Bucky asked, as if it wasn’t obvious. He handed Tony a napkin. “Here, for the blood.”

Tony made a face. “I don’t bleed,” he scoffed. “Which makes biting through my lip even more painful, because the nerves are exposed.”

“Wait,” Bucky waved his hands wildly. “You don’t have  _ blood _ ?”

“I’m a vampire, of course I don’t have blood,” Tony blinked in surprise. “How did you not know this?”

“It’s never come up!” Bucky shot back. “How can you not have blood? How does that even work?”

“What do you think I am, an expert in vampire biology?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Biology hadn’t even been invented when I was turned!”

Bucky waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, you’re old, we know,” he teased. “How do you know you don’t have blood, then, if you don’t know biology?”

“Bucky, darling, that would probably be because  _ I don’t bleed _ ,” Tony resisted the urge to facepalm. He counted out on his fingers. “Unless I’ve fed recently, I don’t have a heartbeat, I can’t blush, I’m pale as-- wait.”

“No, go on,” Bucky urged, looking up from where he’d been pretending to take notes. “I want to get an A on the test.”

“Oh my god, you’ve been fucking with me this whole time,” Tony’s voice was muffled from where he’d faceplanted into the table. “Why are you like this? You’re the worst person I’ve ever met.”

Bucky reached over the table to pat his head consolingly. “I really thought you’d have caught on earlier,” he said. “Though, in my defense, I actually didn’t know you didn’t have blood. It just never occurred to me that you wouldn’t.”

“Why would I need to drink blood if I already had it?” Tony raised his head enough to level his boyfriend with a look. “It tastes terrible, Bucky.”

“I figured it was a vampire-specific craving,” Bucky said with a shrug. “Like how I get grumpy if I go too long without eating plums.”

“That’s just because you’re a grumpy person,” Tony pointed out. “Though, for some reason, today you’ve decided to drop that and be a troll, instead. Go back to yelling at teenagers to get off of your lawn.” 

“Of the two of us, who do you think has room to make old person jokes, Mr.  _ I was born before the dinosaurs _ ?” Bucky raised an eyebrow. 

Tony pouted dramatically. “Why are you so mean to me?”

“Didn’t you threaten to rip my throat out ten minutes ago?” 

“Semantics.”

“Let me make it up to you, then,” Bucky gathered their trash off the table and stood. “Come on, I recorded that history show you like to criticize. Wanna have a marathon?”

“Oh, you know me so well,” Tony said fondly, following Bucky out the door of the restaurant. 

Bucky grabbed his hand as they walked down the street, which Tony thought was sweet. He should’ve known that it was only to stop him from running away, though, because he definitely wanted to when Bucky opened his mouth again.

“Wait,” he asked, a spark of mischief in his eyes. “Does this mean that blood is like vampire Viagra? Because you need it to--”

“I refuse to answer that,” Tony interrupted, hissing like an angry cat. If it were possible, he knew his face would have been flaming red. He tried to pull his hand away, but Bucky held tight.

“That means yes, right?” Bucky pulled Tony into his side and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, even as Tony grumbled and squirmed.

“If you ask me again, you’re sleeping on the couch,” Tony warned. 

“That totally means I’m right,” Bucky muttered. 

Tony turned his head to glare. “Couch,” he decided.

“But--”

“ _ Couch! _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos make me happy :))
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr [@imposter-human](https://imposter-human.tumblr.com/)


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